The Endless Litany of Expectations Placed on a Queer Indian Girl

From the day a South Asian girl is born, our parents talk about our wedding. They talk about how big it will be, how excited they are, how beautiful you look but most importantly, they talk about your husband. Marrying the "right" man. Right family, right career, right caste even.

But the problem with this immense pressure is that when you don't feel that way for men, it can be debilitating. You wonder "what's wrong with me?" and if you're anything like me it instills this awful complex within you where you deeply fear your seemingly impending wedding and marriage.

I grew up in Southeast Asia in a time when LGBT right and issues were not spoken about. When "that's gay" was a commonly used insult. I grew up knowing I had these deep, conflicting, "wrong" feelings about people of the same-sex. I dealt with it by acting out, indulging in alcohol, sneaking out, and mostly, trying to make myself like men. In high school there was a girl who I made out with at parties because it was "silly" but I looked forward to parties purely because I knew she would try that with me.

In college I had met a girl on my freshman year floor who quite frankly "floored" me and I dealt with it by jumping into a long term relationship with a man. For the millions of queer women who have been told that its because they haven't met the right guy yet? Let me tell you. This man was PERFECT. In every way. Intelligent, strong, handsome, tall, charming, hilarious. My best friend and the only lover I had ever known to completely put me first. He was fiercely loyal and everyone in my lied envied our relationship but I always knew something was wrong.

Three years in, I started having panic attacks when we tried to be intimate. He began speaking about marriage and deeper commitment and I would cry when I was alone. I had buried such a big part of me so deep down but I was beginning to crack. I thought I couldn't be gay. I was feminine. I was Indian. I was in a sorority. It just couldn't be possible.

Eventually I left him and it broke my heart. I had lost the best friend I had ever had. But I had finally felt like the elephant that had been sitting on my chest my entire life had been lifted. I came out to my sorority who were so accepting I was shocked. It taught me that people will surprise you for the better sometimes. I came out to my mom after passing out on a hike and thinking I was dying (I was actually on some strong painkillers). I cried. I asked her if she would still love me if I married a woman. She told me she loved me anyway and always would. It took her two years to become slightly more comfortable with me dating women. Today she makes jokes about the women I date and teases me about them. It means the world to me.

I still haven't told my dad. We are so close but it breaks my heart that he doesn't know one of the biggest things about me. I am so scared that when I tell him, it will forever change our relationship. Or worse, he will disown me. But that is the burden of being an Indian lesbian. I intend to tell him when I get engaged.

Today I live in an amazing city following my career dreams with a huge gay community and dating a woman I love. All I know is, I would rather be out and living my truth than ever be back in the closet again. And for those of you in the closet still? It truly does get better.